


Smile

by Aidaran



Series: Voyager darkVerse [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Depression, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Inner Dialogue, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, pre s02ep25 - Resolutions, second person monolog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-05 20:18:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17331662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aidaran/pseuds/Aidaran
Summary: Janeway has a little insistent voice inside her head.





	Smile

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted my first Voyager piece to be something long, with a plot, maybe adventure, explosions, B'elanna saving the day with her engineering magic. Oh well, I'm all in for unexpected stuff anyway, and I try to write everything and see where it takes me. 
> 
> I always felt Janeway was just one step away from falling into depression or going full PTSD, and the series should have explored that a lot more.

_Put on a smile. Go on. Try again until it looks real. No, that is too much. Tone it down a bit. Much better. You can’t lie down and lock yourself away, you can’t let them know. You don’t deserve it. Maybe one away mission will finally take you into oblivion, so go on, keep waking up every morning, hope tomorrow will finally bring nothingness. It will be either faster than you can process so there will be no pain, or slow enough for you feel you are finally atoning for what you’ve done. Remember, this is not the first time you’ve wanted to just stop existing. Are you even alive inside? Or did you die a long time before Voyager?_

_So smile, Kathryn. Lie to him this night and make him believe there’s still a person inside you, and that he reaches her when he smiles. That’s it, perfect._

“Captain, are you ready? We have to be in the mess hall in 10 minutes”.

_Smile, Kathryn. And remember that deep down you are a coward, because this ship is so full of things that you could use to kill yourself, and yet you still wait for it to come from outside. It would be the easiest way, just letting them down one more time, as you did when you chose for all of them and stranded them. But you don’t deserve it, do you?_

“Coming! Sorry to keep you waiting, commander”.

_Make him believe everything is ok. That there’s someone alive behind your eyes._

“You look happy, Captain. It’s always good to see you in good spirits. So, shall we go to Neelix’s party?”

“By all means”.

_Keep him at arm’s length. That’s as much as you can aspire. Flirt, make him happy. Don’t let him too close. Keep lying to everyone on this ship._

“So captain, it seems we will be passing near an M class planet tomorrow. I was thinking, maybe we could take a shuttle and investigate”.

“Just the two of us? Sounds like a great idea. Hope there are not too many bugs!”

_Smile, Kathryn._

 

**Author's Note:**

> It is quite common for people to think that either someone is lying on bed, wanting to die, or is not that depressed. Sometimes depression is more like a little monkey in the back of your head, talking to you all the time and calling you coward.
> 
> BTW, don't worry about me, I'm actually incredibly happy with my life ;) I think I stomped on that little monkey with an army of golden retrievers.
> 
> This takes place a bit before Resolutions, in case it was not too obvious.
> 
> As always, comments are love, and I always try to answer because I get happy with the feedback.


End file.
